It's the Last Day of 2014!

          I don't really have anything terribly exciting to write about, so I'm going to do the cliche thing and write about the past year with the help of a few journal prompts.

What were the three best things that happened last year?

          This is weird to think about because this year I have been both a high school senior and a college freshman. I have been two different people. The person I was in high school would never have applied for the Ireland trip. I mean, she could barely handle going to a community college, much less another country. Regardless I will look at this as the me I am now, considering it's the most accurate at the moment. So first, getting accepted for the Ireland trip, of course. That's easily the biggest thing on my list. Second would have to be going to college. When I first started, I was terrified. I can't even begin to describe to you the overwhelming social anxiety and insecurity I felt. But now, I am much better off for it. I have definitely grown as a person. Lastly, getting the fourth gold cup at St. Cecilia's Music Festival. I had been working towards it for twelve years, and I finally got it. Twelve years! That was one of the best moments of my life. 

         Now, it was very difficult to pick only three, so I picked some honorable mentions. I was accepted to WMU's music school. Even though I didn't end up going there, it was a huge accomplishment. I graduated from high school, which I wasn't terribly excited for (I'm not a fan of change), but it was a lot of fun. At my last piano recital, I got to play two movements of a Beethoven piece and a concerto with my piano teacher. It was easily the best recital I've ever had. It was kind of my shining moment as a musician (I am usually not the one in the spotlight). I had a solo in my last high school play, which I'd never had anything close to before. I got a real job and met some amazing coworkers! I think my favorite part of this past year is that, even though it had many lasts and it was very bittersweet, it also had so many firsts that I never expected to have. All in all, I'd say it was a pretty good year.

What were the three worst things that happened last year?

          Not really something I'd like to think about, but of course, it has to be done. The worst thing I can think of so far is my panic attacks. I've had them before, but they've gotten increasingly worse and more frequent as the year went on. Another bad thing would be the parting of ways. You know, after high school, you just sort of lose touch with one another. In a way, I'm happy it happened. But it's also rather sad to think about, as if the last four years of trying to make relationships didn't matter in the end. The last worst thing I can think of was Valentine's weekend last year. It wasn't so much that I didn't have a guy, it's just that I was completely alone when I thought that, for once, I would have at least some friends to be with that day. Needless to say, I was so distraught that I ran five miles on a treadmill whilst staring at a clock. (I run best when I'm upset). I've mostly gotten over that day, and the good and bad effects it had on me. The two people that I thought would be there for me that day are easily two of my closest friends now, so there are no hard feelings there. However, it's the amplified insecurity and loneliness and hurt that I experienced that day that I still struggle with. 

What did you learn about yourself in 2014?

          As previously stated, I am a different person now than I was at the beginning of the year. Regardless, I'm still me, even if I am a different version of me. I learned that it's okay to fail sometimes. I learned that I actually am pretty smart. I learned that, while it's okay to spend time in the world of books, you shouldn't take up residence there. You need to interact with real people too. I learned that, although I feel like an inherently selfish person, I actually do think about others more than I think I do. I learned that it's okay to be sad. I learned that I don't have to feel guilty for talking to people's boyfriends. It's okay to be friends with them too. I learned, with the help of some good friends, that I'm actually kind of an okay person. I learned that some people actually want to know me, for who I am, and not who I think they would rather know. (Did that even make sense?) But, one of the biggest things I learned, and am still learning, is that "I'm bad, and that's good. I will never be good and that's not bad. There's no one I'd rather be, than me."

Where do you see yourself one year from now?

          I'm pretty sure I will be a different person, again, in a year. I'm going to go through some big changes before this year is over. I'm going to be in IRELAND! for three weeks, which will be a life changing experience for me. I'm also going to be moving out next fall and living in a dorm, which probably should have been something I experienced this year, but oh well. Or I could be the exact same person. Who knows? I suppose I'll let you know next year. 

         I hope you're all safe tonight, and have a happy 2015!

"Your past is always your past. Even if you forget it, it remembers you." -What Happened to Goodbye by Sarah Dessen

Day of 26

Writing Challenge Day #26: Think Back to How You Were 5 Years Ago. Have You Changed?
          Well of course I have changed. It'd be hard not to in 5 years. I feel like I've actually gone through multiple changes. Five years ago, I was very confident in myself. I would have even considered myself to be a leader. Now, not a good leader, but I had the extroversion to be one. I was arrogant and loud and naive. I used to wish I could be like I was five years ago. However, now I know that I would rather not be that person. Sure, she was confident in herself and her abilities, but she was volatile, emotionally unstable, and far too susceptible to jealousy. I don't want to be her.
          Four years ago I began my rather sudden transition from over confident pain in the butt to the insecure introvert. High school will do that to a person. The first few years of high school were void of any self confidence and spent in countless hours of self loathing. I'm not going to lie, it was pretty bad. I was always sad. I hated looking in the mirror. I didn't want to be me. My last year of high school was better. I still didn't really like myself, but I least I confided in people, something that I apparently have a problem doing. I gained a small bit of independence, not much, but a little. My high school years were all a gradual, slight upward change.
         I went through another rather sudden change this year, which coincided pretty much with me starting college. The whole people anxiety thing is not nearly as overwhelming is it used to be. Sure, I get a little nervous around people I don't know, but it's a natural nervousness. It's no where near the gut wrenching, near panic I used to feel around people that I didn't know. Yes, I would still consider myself to be an introvert. I am not a bubbly, loud person that will just approach people. But I'm not the scared introvert anymore. Now I'm just an introvert. I am also much more independent when than I used to be. And oh my goodness, you would not believe how much I've called people I don't know without giving it a second thought. I used to have to give myself I pep talk for up to fifteen minutes before I could muster up the courage to even dial the number. I'm not saying that I suddenly have astounding self confidence, because I don't, or that now I can be leader, because I'm not. I just know that, compared to the me I was five years ago, and even two months ago, I haven't been more happy with who I am than I am now.

(Quick note about today's quote. I haven't actually read The Book Thief, but it's on my list of 'Must Reads' and I want to read it as soon as possible. However, I did just see the movie, and it made me cry...very good movie. I don't know how it compares with the book, but, since I haven't read it yet, I have no qualms recommending the movie.)


"The consequence of this is that I'm always finding humans at their best and worst. I see their ugly and their beauty, and I wonder how the same thing can be both." -The Book Thief by Markus Zusak