Obligatory New Year's Post...in March

          I was fully intending to write a New Year's post back when 2016 started. Unfortunately, it just didn't happen. That doesn't mean it can't happen now! It's never too late to reflect on the year before and the year ahead. I'm going to follow the same format as New Year's post from last time, so sorry I'm not a little more creative. Also, apologies for not posting in over a month. It's been awhile since I've had a new book to read and I haven't had anything all that excited to write about. Here's to more blog posts soon!

What were the three best things to happen last year?
          Of course the biggest thing has to be going to Ireland. It's funny going back and remembering how nervous I was to go and then I got there and it was the best experience of my life. I still can't get over how amazing and beautiful it was there. I really have to go back.
          I also quit my custodial job last year. I didn't realize how completely awful that job made me feel until I was free of it. Just going through that weekly degradation took a toll on my mental well being. Not a day goes by that I miss it there. Every time I think of it, I am filled with such an overwhelming relief that I never have to go back there. It was definitely a good decision not to work there.
           I have the best roommate ever. Moving away from home was (is) really hard for me. I don't think I would have made it through the process without my roommate to keep me sane. I am so fortunate that she's been my friend for years and we've lived together since September and we're still friends. Everyone told me not to room with a friend because I wouldn't be able to stand them by the end of it, but so far so good. I'd say we're pretty compatible.

What were the three worst things to happen last year?
          My wonderful, beautiful golden retriever was hit by a car right before my birthday. I can't write about it without crying, so I won't.
          I had to leave my community college and the job I had there. Honestly, I absolutely loved that school and the people I worked with. If it were an option, I'd go back in a heartbeat. Unfortunately for me, there are very few programs that I could go to the University Center for and mine is not one of them.
          Coming to Western, while I believe in the long run will be good for me and I will appreciate it eventually, was the hardest thing I've had to do. I don't even know how I made it through that first semester. I thought I did a decent job expressing how difficult it was without letting how depressed it made me show. However, I was recently talking to my mom about it and she told me how worried she was because my voice sounded so dead whenever I called (which was every day). And honestly, that's how I felt most of the time. So, yeah, everyone tells me I'll learn to love it and that this is good for me, but I don't feel that yet. Right now, it is one of the worst things that I've gone through in the past year.

What did you learn about yourself in 2015?
          In 2015, I learned just how strong I am and how strong I'm not. I was so proud of myself for going to Ireland and just making that whole thing happen. After I got back, I was working and taking classes and I was just on cloud nine. I think that's one of the first times I described myself as a strong, confident person. I thought, 'after Ireland, going to Western will be a piece of cake!'.
          It wasn't. That's when I learned that I don't have the strength to carry myself. I still don't. I took a pretty big hit in the fall and I'm still trying to recover. It's going to take some time, but I'm still confident enough that I can do it.

Where do you see yourself one year from now?
          Well, hopefully I've got my crap together in a year. I'm really hoping. I'm also hoping that I'll be happier. I'll have made friends that make coming back here easier. I hope being away from home gets easier. I don't think I'll ever stop missing it, but just to miss it a little less would be nice.
          A year from now, I'd like to smile more.
          And hopefully be accepted for another study abroad program. I've become severely inflicted with wanderlust.




"This is the past: It drifts, it gathers. If you are not careful, it will bury you." -Requiem by Lauren Oliver

It's the Last Day of 2014!

          I don't really have anything terribly exciting to write about, so I'm going to do the cliche thing and write about the past year with the help of a few journal prompts.

What were the three best things that happened last year?

          This is weird to think about because this year I have been both a high school senior and a college freshman. I have been two different people. The person I was in high school would never have applied for the Ireland trip. I mean, she could barely handle going to a community college, much less another country. Regardless I will look at this as the me I am now, considering it's the most accurate at the moment. So first, getting accepted for the Ireland trip, of course. That's easily the biggest thing on my list. Second would have to be going to college. When I first started, I was terrified. I can't even begin to describe to you the overwhelming social anxiety and insecurity I felt. But now, I am much better off for it. I have definitely grown as a person. Lastly, getting the fourth gold cup at St. Cecilia's Music Festival. I had been working towards it for twelve years, and I finally got it. Twelve years! That was one of the best moments of my life. 

         Now, it was very difficult to pick only three, so I picked some honorable mentions. I was accepted to WMU's music school. Even though I didn't end up going there, it was a huge accomplishment. I graduated from high school, which I wasn't terribly excited for (I'm not a fan of change), but it was a lot of fun. At my last piano recital, I got to play two movements of a Beethoven piece and a concerto with my piano teacher. It was easily the best recital I've ever had. It was kind of my shining moment as a musician (I am usually not the one in the spotlight). I had a solo in my last high school play, which I'd never had anything close to before. I got a real job and met some amazing coworkers! I think my favorite part of this past year is that, even though it had many lasts and it was very bittersweet, it also had so many firsts that I never expected to have. All in all, I'd say it was a pretty good year.

What were the three worst things that happened last year?

          Not really something I'd like to think about, but of course, it has to be done. The worst thing I can think of so far is my panic attacks. I've had them before, but they've gotten increasingly worse and more frequent as the year went on. Another bad thing would be the parting of ways. You know, after high school, you just sort of lose touch with one another. In a way, I'm happy it happened. But it's also rather sad to think about, as if the last four years of trying to make relationships didn't matter in the end. The last worst thing I can think of was Valentine's weekend last year. It wasn't so much that I didn't have a guy, it's just that I was completely alone when I thought that, for once, I would have at least some friends to be with that day. Needless to say, I was so distraught that I ran five miles on a treadmill whilst staring at a clock. (I run best when I'm upset). I've mostly gotten over that day, and the good and bad effects it had on me. The two people that I thought would be there for me that day are easily two of my closest friends now, so there are no hard feelings there. However, it's the amplified insecurity and loneliness and hurt that I experienced that day that I still struggle with. 

What did you learn about yourself in 2014?

          As previously stated, I am a different person now than I was at the beginning of the year. Regardless, I'm still me, even if I am a different version of me. I learned that it's okay to fail sometimes. I learned that I actually am pretty smart. I learned that, while it's okay to spend time in the world of books, you shouldn't take up residence there. You need to interact with real people too. I learned that, although I feel like an inherently selfish person, I actually do think about others more than I think I do. I learned that it's okay to be sad. I learned that I don't have to feel guilty for talking to people's boyfriends. It's okay to be friends with them too. I learned, with the help of some good friends, that I'm actually kind of an okay person. I learned that some people actually want to know me, for who I am, and not who I think they would rather know. (Did that even make sense?) But, one of the biggest things I learned, and am still learning, is that "I'm bad, and that's good. I will never be good and that's not bad. There's no one I'd rather be, than me."

Where do you see yourself one year from now?

          I'm pretty sure I will be a different person, again, in a year. I'm going to go through some big changes before this year is over. I'm going to be in IRELAND! for three weeks, which will be a life changing experience for me. I'm also going to be moving out next fall and living in a dorm, which probably should have been something I experienced this year, but oh well. Or I could be the exact same person. Who knows? I suppose I'll let you know next year. 

         I hope you're all safe tonight, and have a happy 2015!

"Your past is always your past. Even if you forget it, it remembers you." -What Happened to Goodbye by Sarah Dessen