I want to be...

You know in kindergarten, when teachers ask you what you want to be when you grow up? And, in kindergarten, you feel like you can do anything. You can dream as big as you want. But, even in kindergarten I didn't really dream big. I wanted to be a teacher. Simple. I didn't want to be a princess, an astronaut, or the president. And the thing is, I've never really had a desire to teach, but when people have asked me what I want to be I found myself saying teacher again. I realized that I have never really dreamt big. Ever. I always settle with good enough. Why shoot for more if I'm happy with what I've got? Why put in more time for something uncertain? Well, I'm still working on the answer to that. But I want to dream big. I don't really want to be an English teacher. I've decided that who I am, isn't really who I want to be. I want to be someone confident. I want to smile more. I want to live without regrets. I want to pray more, love more, be more...I want to find some way that I could make a difference.
I want to get out of my socially awkward shell. I want to be the kind of person that everybody wants to know.
I want to be someone that is looked up to. I want to listen with more than just my ears.
I want be determined. I want to be the kind of person who forgives, even if I won't forget.

I want to be strong.

I want to dream.

So where am I going with this? I'm going to change. I told myself two months and a day ago, March first. And I did keep up with the plan I had for myself, for awhile at least. I ran every day. I stuck to my excercise plan. I eventually ran my first, very slow, 5k. And then I stopped. Because, despite accomplishing that, I couldn't feel proud of myself. My mind is my worst enemy, nagging and insulting. I am not a noteworthy person, so why should acheiving a mere 5k, which so many others had already done, be an accomplishment? In my eyes, it wasn't.

But...then something happened recently. May 28. I cried. A lot. I was hurt and I was disappointed. I admit it, I cried about some guy. Which when you think about it, no girl should ever do. It's not worth it. And after the tears, after the hurt, I realized something. My body, my mind, my heart...I felt like I could breathe for the first time in almost five years. I was finally done. After five long and painful years of self hatred and sadness, I felt like me. It was weird, at first. But now...I am so happy. I have not been this happy in a long time. My determination came back. As well as a little bit of confidence, although I still need to work on that. I started to run again. I'm going to run another 5k in exactly one week. And this time, I'm going to continue running. I ran yesterday in the cold, wind, and rain for the first time in two months......And I felt alive again. It was like I had been drowning and now I could breathe. Even though I can't breathe through my nose right now because I got a cold from my run, I'm so happy that I did it. I'm so happy that I can be me again.

I am strong.

I will dream.